My choice in career has plagued me more than it has nourished me recently. I can’t help but second-guess myself. While most of my friends are working jobs in a stable, formatted way, I feel as though I have very little footing on which to position myself, constantly reliant on either sporadic motivation, or rigorous discipline.
I have an idealized version of myself and my life engraved in the crevices of my brain, yet when it comes to actually promoting myself, or doing what has to be done in order to flourish, I self-sabotage, or feel like a fraud.
What is it within human-nature that makes us so fearful of success? Do we simply fear greatness more than we desire it? Abraham Maslow answers in the affirmative. According to him, within us all exists the potential for greatness, yet many veer far from that potential. He calls this phenomenon the Jonah Complex, after the biblical character Jonah, who, fearful of God’s prophecy, tries to outrun Him, but cannot find a place to hide. In the end, he has no choice but to accept his fate.
“We are generally afraid to become that which we can glimpse in our most perfect moments…We enjoy and even thrill to the godlike possibilities we see in ourselves… And yet we simultaneously shiver with weakness, awe, and fear before these very same possibilities.” (Abraham Maslow, The Farther Reaches of Human Nature)
As it seems, we are driven by two pivotal fears: the fear of death and the fear of life. The fear of death isn’t only a question of our physical bodies perishing, but being forgotten, a topic I have addressed throughout many of my previous articles. This fear seems to motivate us to run from conformity. Contrarily, standing out too much can incubate feelings of loneliness. The more we distinguish, the more we lose the protection of the crowd. This, Otto Rank states, is our fear of life. It propels us to follow the masses, to form stronger connections to our culture and society, and reject authenticity as much as possible. We despise seeing uniqueness in others, mainly out of envy. We see within these people the life we wish we ourselves could lead, but are too afraid of creating.
Our lives swing like a pendulum, at times driven by our fear of death, at other moments our fear of life. “Between these two fear possibilities”, he wrote, “…the individual is thrown back and forth all his life.” (Otto Rank, Will Therapy). Our fear of greatness, then, is a fear of living in general.
I read somewhere that Maslow used to ask his students to raise their hands if they thought they’d one day write a best-selling novel. Most felt humiliated by the question, they giggled and blushed. In turn, he would ask: “if not you, then who else?” Which is true. Why shouldn’t it be you?
What separates the successful from the mediocre is their ability to self-actualize. Some may already be familiar with Maslow’s “hierarchy of needs”. If not, click this link. The entire peak is occupied by self-actualization, meaning that in order to satisfy it, we first have to succumb to all of our basic needs. These needs include both those that sustain our physical body (food, water, heat, etc.), as well as our psychological health (love, belonging, sense of safety, etc.).
Only when our basic needs are satisfied, can we think of self-actualization. Which, according to Maslow, everyone is capable of becoming, no matter your background or status.
Self-actualization then becomes our entire way of living. Rather than being money or status driven, we are motivated by the cultivation of a deeper understanding of ourselves.
The pull towards conformity puts us in a vulnerable position. The price, if given into, is high. Feelings of regret and self hatred will surely follow us for however long we give into regression. We ought to view these symptoms as a sign of sickness, and cure ourselves accordingly: “He who belies his talent, the born painter who sells stockings instead, the intelligent man who lives a stupid life, the man who sees the truth and keeps his mouth shut, the coward who gives up his manliness, all these people perceive in a deep way that they have done wrong to themselves and despise themselves for it. Out of this self-punishment may come only neurosis, but there may equally come renewed courage, righteous indignation, increased self-respect, because of thereafter doing the right thing; in a word, growth and improvement can come through pain and conflict.” (Abraham Maslow, Toward a Psychology of Being).
Changing your self-limiting narratives, overcoming your avoidance of life in general, and claiming responsibility for your actions will make you better understand yourself. Each of us has the power to self-actualize, you just have to put your own wants and needs before the wants and needs of the masses. As Brené Brown so rightly said, those who look for confirmation within everyone they meet will surely find it because “you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.”
you missed the most perfect opportunity to reference runaway brides!