Dear Shifra, thank you for sharing so openly and at depth about how things are right now for you. I know this set of feelings so intimately; for myself, this state has been associated with the protracted end of one way of being/existing day-to-day and the emergence of something new, unexpected, perhaps a little frightening, but ultimately more nourishing.
It was only partially a matter of will and intention to bring about that shift in my own life; when I settled into the feeling of deep malaise, succumbed to it for its season, life brought about a series of miraculous turns that ultimately shook me from my comfort zone (and the miseries I courted there) and delivered me into a space of deeper inspiration and insight (which was nonetheless somewhat uncomfortable, at times).
When I read, "A sense of responsibility is an incredibly important factor in the battle against meaningless and depression," I got little shivers running up and down my arms. Because life really does invite one, at certain times, to assume deeper responsibility for one's place in the world; my own recent experience of bereavement has shown me that as well. I suppose that we all receive that invitation in our own unique way; I have personally come to recognise despondency, malaise, and dissatisfaction with the way things seem as states from which miracles tend to arise.
I truly hope that this is the case for you. Thank you for your stories; I am a new to your list and blown away by your work. Thank you for sharing, and for maintaining your discipline to write in the midst of inner upheaval.
Dear Nicola, thank you so much for your comment, and the words of encouragement/personal insight that came along with it. One of the things I did not touch on in my post, but definitely considered adding is my incredibly tight grip on the comfort zone. For me, going with the flow as you said, and being responsible for my place in the world scares me endlessly (as it does to many). But your personal life trajectory gives me hope for my individual bravery, so thank you!
I am so sorry to hear that you have dealt with loss recently. My heart goes out to you!!
Thank you for this. I too engage in small acts of self-sabotage and I struggle to understand why. I know I’m doing them even as it happens, but I can’t seem to stop doing them. One of the ones that drives me crazy is when I procrastinate on writing, even when I want to do it and feel inspired but just can’t get started. It’s not writers block or anxiety about the work so I don’t know why I do it.
I also self-sabotage when it comes from my writing. Like you said, as far as I can tell, it isn’t necessarily writer’s block. For me, I think it has more to do with knowing something is important, and for that very reason purposefully not finding the time to do it. As if I have put so much mental pressure onto the work, that to actually sit down and do it increases my risk of failure.
I think that's part of it too. The pressure to make sure it's good, and that people are expecting it in some capacity, sometimes makes me choke and wish it would just go away!
Exactly, it transforms the personal act of writing into work catered to a public. Much more scrutiny and judgement! But you write so well, the inside voices are essentially never right
Very interesting what you said about doing little things to self-sabotage your happiness. I do the same but never thought about it as being my unconscious communicating with me. Incredible article, once again. It feels like they always come at the right time.
Dear Shifra, thank you for sharing so openly and at depth about how things are right now for you. I know this set of feelings so intimately; for myself, this state has been associated with the protracted end of one way of being/existing day-to-day and the emergence of something new, unexpected, perhaps a little frightening, but ultimately more nourishing.
It was only partially a matter of will and intention to bring about that shift in my own life; when I settled into the feeling of deep malaise, succumbed to it for its season, life brought about a series of miraculous turns that ultimately shook me from my comfort zone (and the miseries I courted there) and delivered me into a space of deeper inspiration and insight (which was nonetheless somewhat uncomfortable, at times).
When I read, "A sense of responsibility is an incredibly important factor in the battle against meaningless and depression," I got little shivers running up and down my arms. Because life really does invite one, at certain times, to assume deeper responsibility for one's place in the world; my own recent experience of bereavement has shown me that as well. I suppose that we all receive that invitation in our own unique way; I have personally come to recognise despondency, malaise, and dissatisfaction with the way things seem as states from which miracles tend to arise.
I truly hope that this is the case for you. Thank you for your stories; I am a new to your list and blown away by your work. Thank you for sharing, and for maintaining your discipline to write in the midst of inner upheaval.
In peace,
Nicola.
Dear Nicola, thank you so much for your comment, and the words of encouragement/personal insight that came along with it. One of the things I did not touch on in my post, but definitely considered adding is my incredibly tight grip on the comfort zone. For me, going with the flow as you said, and being responsible for my place in the world scares me endlessly (as it does to many). But your personal life trajectory gives me hope for my individual bravery, so thank you!
I am so sorry to hear that you have dealt with loss recently. My heart goes out to you!!
Thank you for this. I too engage in small acts of self-sabotage and I struggle to understand why. I know I’m doing them even as it happens, but I can’t seem to stop doing them. One of the ones that drives me crazy is when I procrastinate on writing, even when I want to do it and feel inspired but just can’t get started. It’s not writers block or anxiety about the work so I don’t know why I do it.
I also self-sabotage when it comes from my writing. Like you said, as far as I can tell, it isn’t necessarily writer’s block. For me, I think it has more to do with knowing something is important, and for that very reason purposefully not finding the time to do it. As if I have put so much mental pressure onto the work, that to actually sit down and do it increases my risk of failure.
I think that's part of it too. The pressure to make sure it's good, and that people are expecting it in some capacity, sometimes makes me choke and wish it would just go away!
Exactly, it transforms the personal act of writing into work catered to a public. Much more scrutiny and judgement! But you write so well, the inside voices are essentially never right
Very interesting what you said about doing little things to self-sabotage your happiness. I do the same but never thought about it as being my unconscious communicating with me. Incredible article, once again. It feels like they always come at the right time.
Thank you so much for your on-going support, Cathy! Though I wish you couldn’t relate to the things I said, I am glad you know you are not alone.