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I hold onto my daily routine with a death grip, scared as I am of losing track of my progress. For as long as I remember, I have feared changes to my world without, yet can think of nothing else than changing my entire world within. Dissatisfaction with the self seems to be a human predicament. It can lead to both self-improvement, as well as a deep sense of self-hatred. Yet, however desperate we are for inner change, we also desire a stable sense of self. Change, in this sense, is best accomplished through a gradual pattern. Slowly we can break old habits and create better ones. Though this method has its own array of positive attributes, I cannot help feeling somewhat nihilistic. We are, after all, mortal beings, with a limited lifespan. Slow change works well for those with a solid foundation from which they can build, but not for those who have dug themselves so deep into their own personal hell that they can no longer see the light. For those people, a quote by Nietzsche comes to mind: “You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame; how could you rise anew if you have not first become ashes?” (Thus Spoke Zarathustra).
In a sense, we are always changing. The passage of time is such that change from one moment to the next is inevitable. Unfortunately, most of us spend this time in passivity, at least on a psychological level. For however negative we in reality are, we tend to believe (with an unreasonable vigor) that we hold some future in our fate which will save us from all our hardships. We push everything into the abyss which is our past and destined life ahead. Yet that forthcoming time, which we believe to exist on an almost religious level, never seems to come. Through self-disappointment, we distract ourselves. Be it through mindless Instagram scrolling, or overwhelming our days with activities.
When, truly, was the last time you thought, actually thought, about your life’s direction? How often do you push your fears of living, your feelings of sadness, your insecurities away through mindless activities? We are terrified of ourselves, or at least the thoughts we know we inhabit. We hang onto the belief that we can run away from ourself and never be caught up with.
“Because of some obstacle – constitutional weakness or defect, wrong education, bad experiences, an unsuitable attitude, etc. – one shrinks from the difficulties which life brings and thus finds oneself back in the world of the infant.” (Carl Jung, Alchemical Studies) Why do we shrink from life? Unfortunately, or fortunately, I can’t decide, we house within us two “beings”; one which demands safety and dependence, and another which craves freedom, danger, and independence. The former feels a constant nostalgia towards their infancy, the latter is our so-call “greater” self. The majority of us have one dominant force, though in some people both forces grasp hold and an inner rupture takes place. A civil war within the confines of your skull which brings forth a so-called “personality splitting”. This is what Jung called a neurosis, and this is what I believe to have been experiencing for the past year or two.
War, be it physical or mental, involves conflict and chaos, both of which reign supreme in the life of a neurotic. Self-destructive impulses fight against yearnings for change. One moment our mind drags us towards waking up early, exercising, eating healthy foods, while the next our actions lead us to regression.
These very thoughts drove The Apostle Paul to say: “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate…”. This splitting brings forth an uncanny sensation and a doubling of consciousness. Who are we, if we cannot control ourselves? Who are we, really, at all? The simple answer seems to be that we are whatever we put our utmost power to become. Unfortunately, the infant within is stubborn and persistent. Life, after all, is scary. It is easier to deal with our daily struggles through distraction and denial. More often than not, we let our inner child win the battle of self-improvement. And the more we let them win, the more we are forced to indulge in distracting and destructive behaviors such as alcohol/drug use, video-games, compulsive shopping, Instagram and TikTok (to name a few). All to block out reality, and the awareness that we are wasting away. Unfortunately, or again, perhaps fortunately, reality always catches up to us. Feelings of shame will burden our being, worse than before, and our cravings for self-forgetting will grow all the stronger. After all, “retreat from life leads to regression, and regression heightens resistance to life.” (Carl Jung)
The act of fully living life, especially to the sensitive, is a scary endeavor. Yet, in spite of the dangers, change is a necessity if one wants to live without regrets. It is choosing daily between permanent satisfaction and temporary thrills. The excitement one feels at the thought of mindlessly scrolling through Instagram is extremely short lived. Contrarily, the dread one feels before cleaning the house might last somewhat longer, yet the intense feeling of self-satisfaction thereafter can last hours, sometimes days. The longer we choose to flee from life, the more our mind will become dependent on the stagnation which comes with fixation. That said, our destiny depends on how we go about each and everyday. If we desire change as fervently as we say we do, then we have to side with our higher selves, become aware of our self-sabotaging, infantile behavior, and so win the battle which is life itself.
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One word: meditation.
“We are terrified of ourselves, or at least the thoughts we know we inhabit. We hang onto the belief that we can run away from ourself and never be caught up with.” Gave me the chills.